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He was the first baby ever born. God thought he would change the rules a little and instead of Mary, his wife having the baby come out of her vagina, he wanted to be the only man to have a baby come out of their penis. Jesus came from God's penis, and so he grew up to have a vagina. He was demented and round like a hot dog. Kids at school picked on Jesus and called him Jesus the Penis. Jesus went on for about 33 years of his life being made fun of and all God could do is say "Make them sorry, Jesus. Make them remember you." And so one day Jesus got overly depressed, found a Pot Leaf and smoked it with a magical pot bowl. He became high, and decided to build a cross, hang himself up on it, and forced his father to nail him to it. Jesus said he was sacrificing himself for others, but he really wanted people to feel bad for him. He is still remembered to this day, and this is the only proof found of him.
Jesus' foreskin has long been rumored to have mystical powers, including the ability to cure male impotence and increase male endowment to whomever possesses it. A monk in 920 AD was rumored to have killed succubi and cured lesbianism using Jesus' foreskin. The foreskin was reportedly taped to the head of a staff with which he would reach out and touch the individual, grazing Jesus' foreskin along their forehead while uttering in Latin, "The phallus of Christ compels you!"
Rasputin's penis was rumored to have been of rather great endowment. One woman confessed that the first time she slept with him her orgasm was so violent that she had a seizure. Rasputin's assassin and alleged homosexual lover, Felix Yusopov, claimed that Rasputin's prowess was explained by a large wart strategically situated on his penis, which was of exceptional size. Another explanation, proposed by David Icke, is that Rasputin was in possession of Jesus' foreskin for some time, a gift he had received from alien lizard people who control a world government.
My friends are always picking on me
Now some of this may be reminding you of Owen Morgan and Jesus the Penis, but I hasten to reassure you that Swedenborg lacked Morgan’s inimitable one-track mind. To Swedenborg, Jesus meant lots of things, and as far as I know – I’ve only read a small portion of Swedenborg’s writings – he never suggested that the best way to find Jesus was to reach into your pants. On the other hand, he did have an attitude toward sex that Richard Payne Knight et al. would have approved of. The stark terror of sex that infected most Christian denominations in his time never seems to have touched him. He read that passage in the gospels where Jesus says that there is neither marrying nor giving in marriage in heaven, and said, well, that makes sense – no marriage, therefore angels are into free love. Got it. And he wrote quite a bit on the love live of angels, and how we all become angels and practice free love as we spiral up through the complexities of the Swedenborgian heaven.
This is a parody only.
Any resemblance to any person living, dead or zombie is purely coincidental.
We believe in Jesus. He is my gardener. He does a really good job.
Here ya go Jesus! Our Roses are wonderful! Gracias. Have some wine.